


【 trails of fire 】

by ToasTea



Series: 【 trails of fire 】 [5]
Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Post-Greyscale, before fluff comes angst, gotta burn like a marshmallow roasting over fire before we get to the mushy fluffiness, journaling!dany tho, like how you gotta roast the marshmallow before you munch on it, now is that an analogy or is that an analogy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:53:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29580540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToasTea/pseuds/ToasTea
Summary: "Fire and retribution pave the trail that leads her home."In a world where she must be many things for her followers, her best friend gifts her with something where she can simply just be.Passages from Daenerys' journal. Post-Greyscale and onward.
Relationships: Jorah Mormont/Daenerys Targaryen
Series: 【 trails of fire 】 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1500467
Comments: 49
Kudos: 67





	1. .i - .x

**Author's Note:**

  * For [salzrand](https://archiveofourown.org/users/salzrand/gifts).



> HOOOOOO BOI. 2020? I don’t know them lol. 🙃
> 
> Hello ladies and fellasmen. Happy 2021! This was a project that I was supposed to finish many MANY months ago (and actually be on time) but mid-late 2020 said "feck you, yeetus mcgeetus goes your creativitytus." It's a very special one because it's a very belated present for Salzrand. <3
> 
> This is a direct follow-up to my other story "nemophila", which is good for context but not a necessary read as I try to write pieces of this series as independently as possible.
> 
> Huge, HUGE props to the Jorleesi fandom for rekindling my Jorleesi heart. Our little discussions and fangasms really reminded me of why I loved these two so much in the first place. Special hot wings to @ThroughTheBlue for being my beta and not murdering me over all the booboos I made. Pls don't kill me for posting this early, my protective instincts called and I answered. Don't worry, I got the phone bill covered. ((ily)) <3
> 
> I took the liberty of challenging myself with a completely different format (and one that I was super uncomfortable writing in because of inexperience). To overcome a fear, gotta punch it in the face with the hopes that you’ll still have a hand afterward. I think that’s how the saying goes. Regardless, it's been awhile and I thoroughly enjoyed writing this. I hope you and everyone else enjoys this too. 
> 
> Part 2 to come soon. Much love. :)

**「 one. 」**

_ Missandei gave this journal to me only hours after what had transpired in Vaes Dothrak. _

_ “If certain words or feelings cannot find their voices then allow me to offer you...something of a humble home for them in the meantime, Your Grace,” she’d said. _

_ It was a hobby of hers, secret at first. Written on crumpled parchment discarded by slave masters and hidden between cracks in the walls of her quarters. They would permit no such thing during her time with them. Kraznys had apparently even once told her a translator only needed a tongue and a cunt to be useful.  _

_ Oh, if I had the power to drag him back from the hellish depths I sent him to so that I could watch him burn once more... _

_ I digress, however.  _

_ I’m unsure of the direction this is taking or where I should go with it. Every word, every feeling, every thought that crosses my heart and mind should feel safe here. There’s solace in having a haven for this, like a secret garden tucked away from the world in a hollow tree. But I’m afraid the feeling lacks much of something I can’t describe.  _

_ I’m writing without knowing what I’m trying to accomplish. I’m documenting without a subject. I seek a form of reprieve when I don’t know what it should look like or how it should feel.  _

_ Or perhaps I do know but I can’t bring myself to admit it. I want to think about it. I don’t want to think about it. I should feel safe behind the walls of my private chambers but instead, it’s almost suffocating being trapped between conflicting thoughts. Am I just clinging to the remains after a sliver of what was underneath the queen slipped in front of Daario hours before? _

_ Sweet Missandei. My friend, I love you dearly. This gift from you was meant to shelter my heart from this agony yet it only perpetuates as I write. I can stop or I can keep writing. _

_ Both choices don’t bring me closer to what I seek. Why is that? You would probably scold me, advising me not to ask questions I already know the answer to.  _

_ Perhaps I just need someone to say it because I can’t bring myself to do so. Perhaps I just simply need to hear it from someone other than myself because I can’t bring myself to believe my own voice over the echoes of my mistakes. _

_ No... that is enough for tonight. I must remain fit for my people for the days to come. _

**「 two. 」**

_ I burned them both. _

_ I tried. Truly, I did. Even Randyll Tarly saw the stupidity behind his son’s blind loyalty. In the end, even the threat of dragonfire couldn’t break Dickon Tarly’s oath to his family. _

_ Randyll Tarly’s fate was sealed. That I was sure of after our victory.  _

_ I didn’t expect his son to be part of the collateral. Didn’t want him to be. I know better than to force a father’s sins upon his children. _

_ Tyrion urged me to force imprisonment on him and convince him to change. Randyll’s death would be enough to solidify their victory. His son would be the blood we didn’t need to have on our hands.  _

_ But that wasn’t something I could agree to. I vowed to break chains, not put more people in them. I promised people would always have the freedom of choice. Bend the knee or burn. Show mercy but shield it with fear and power. Wasn’t that enough? Wasn’t it supposed to be as simple as it sounded? If I’d put them in chains, what would my people think? _

_ Dickon chose to burn beside his father. I should share no guilt as it was the choice he made. I didn’t force-feed his fate, and any soldier who participates in war should be prepared for the consequences, win or lose. This quest of mine isn’t without bloodshed, yet I feel more tainted, dirtier than normal. I fear little and death is a given for all...yet I’m afraid. _

_ I’m afraid of this feeling making itself known. Familiar, yet foreign. I don’t know exactly what it is. Fire cannot kill a dragon, but I fear whatever has awakened within is no fire at all yet it could burn me to ashes with a bite colder than the darkest winter.  _

_ I made the right choice, yet it feels like I didn’t and it’s taunting me. I hear its voices, muffled as they may be, calling and beckoning. I cannot discern the words, but I know it’s there. Dickon Tarly’s death has removed its muzzle and I don’t know why. Gods, if it wasn’t for his stupid idiotic loyalty! If only he’d just listened to his damned father. Too stubborn and loyal for his own good. _

_ Stubborn and loyal...no. They wish they were at least a shell of you. You’re different. You’d do the same but it’s different. You’re different. You’re... _

_ I’m not at fault. I’m not. I did my duty and respected a dying soldier’s final plea. I’m not at fault. _

_ I’m not looking back. I can’t. I shouldn’t. If I do, I’m lost. What’s done is done and I must move forward with what we’ve won. But I’m lost even while facing the present.  _

_ What would you have done if you were here? No, I know what you would have said. You would’ve said something similar to Tyrion except...except I would’ve believed you. Trusted you. If you knew what I did today...you’d still be by my side. If you were here today, none of this would’ve happened. But you’re not. You’re not here and I’m not sure you ever will be because of me. _

_ You told me not to be sorry, but I am. I must be. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.  _

_ I miss you. I miss you so much. I’m surrounded by wisdom yet I still feel lost without you.  _

**「 three. 」**

_ I’m not writing in this as much as I should, ironically. Missandei has urged me many times, but I found myself too afraid to pick up the pen after Blackwater Rush. I feared so little yet a journal, a pen, and my own feelings intimidated me. I’d laugh at myself if I could. _

_ I spent far too many days lost, silently wandering, processing and grieving. I felt something akin to shame. I’d already been weak and submissive for a portion of my life. I was afraid that if I’d lost footing here, everything we’d built would’ve been for naught, and I’d fall prey to the ghosts of my past.  _

_ Gods… I can hear you fretting over me. Facing our grief is not a weakness but a sign of strength, you’d say. How we overcome it is what defines us and bestows us with even greater strength. It’s why I’m grateful to be surrounded by a council with whom I can trust when I’m most vulnerable. I know there aren’t many rulers who can say that. _

_ I suppose even I must be reminded at times. I am the dragon’s daughter, but I must tend to the heart that beats beneath if I am to care for my people. _

_ I feel better now that we’ve made it through the climax and transitioned into this peaceful interlude, but the ache in my heart is still there and will likely remain until you return or… _

_ No. It would do me no good to think otherwise. I’ve lingered on thoughts that can only be answered with patience for long enough. I must be strong for my people and for you. At the very least, I’ll jot down moments you’ve missed if time permits. When you return, I’ll remember to share them with you. _

  
  


**「 four. 」**

_ The Queen of Thorns was not someone I expected to be the best company if her title is any giveaway, but her presence has been most welcoming the past weeks. I’ll always prefer Missandei’s company first and foremost, but it would be selfish of me to constantly take her away from Grey Worm. _

_ Prickly as she may be to most, there’s a particular side to Lady Tyrell that only a handful of people were permitted to see, myself included. I found myself seeking her word over Tyrion, a breath of fresh air after being suffocated by so many mistakes.  _

_ Nearly every day, as the sun would set beneath the horizon, the formality of our conversations would follow. In addition to her brusque wisdom, she’s also quite the storyteller. I’m sure you’d enjoy her company much more than you would Tyrion’s. I’d imagine he speaks too much for your liking and his reliance on wine for peak entertainment may… _

_...well, I believe I’d need a new Hand the next morning if you were a victim of one of his drunken escapades.  _

_ The image of it brings a smile to my face, however. A chatty little lion attempting to get on with a stubborn brooding bear is quite humorous to me. It’s a welcoming thought in light of all the responsibilities I must bear daily.  _

_ Lady Tyrell isn’t short of words either, but she has a particular charisma that Tyrion lacks. And she most definitely doesn’t need any wine to help her lift the spirits around her, even if she won’t openly admit it. _

_ Speaking of which, she was a Redwyne before Tyrell, but I’m sure you knew that already. Her mother had apparently drunk too much one night and the sharp tang from the wine was something so ferocious, it’d bled into her womb. Thus the Babe of Thorns was conceived that night.  _

_ I suppose that’s the sort of sarcasm I should have expected. _

_ Tonight served as yet another balm for my heart. I don’t believe I’ve laughed that much since...I can’t remember if I’m completely honest. You would have laughed too, I believe. It pains me to say I’ve forgotten what your laugh sounded like and I only vaguely remember your smile. _

_ I miss you dearly, but I’m thankful to be surrounded by people I can trust. They are my strength, as I must be for my people. But there will always be a special place in my heart where you were my first.  _

**「 five. 」**

_ Varys has informed me you were spotted at the Citadel. Admittedly, I was worried when I didn’t hear from him for a long while, but it heartens me to hear you’ve made it. _

_ I want to pray and hope you’ll come back to me, but I know there’s no need. I know you will. You always do. You could tell me you’d pit yourself against the entire world and I’d believe in you. Only you could say something so preposterous with genuine honesty. Only you were capable of making the impossible sound possible. Just like how I knew only you’d be capable of finding the cure to an otherwise incurable disease.  _

_ Fear tries to imprison me each day without having you by my side. But simply knowing you’re on the cusp of curing yourself as I’ve commanded gives me the strength to combat those thoughts. _

_ Are you coping well? I hope the process doesn’t hurt you more than it needs to. _

_ I’ve had fewer conversations with Lady Tyrell as of late much to my dismay, but things have been getting busier. I’m to meet this King of the North next week and should things go well, I believe this alliance will give us the necessary strength to storm King’s Landing.  _

_ Things have been looking better besides that. I still have my doubts, but less than before. I feel a bit lighter and my children have certainly noticed. They still fight as siblings do, especially over food, but even Drogon’s been a bit less territorial lately. Though, you’d probably need an eyeglass to really notice. Or be their mother.  _

_ They sense your return, I believe. Dragons have abilities that transcend even the comprehension of men after all. I know they’ve missed you as much as I have. I’m eager to see you again. The hole in my heart is but a dull ache nowadays, but it is still there and something only you could fill.  _

_ Gods, if you could read this and see how selfish I’m being. I’ve imposed what was a seemingly impossible task and taken from you more than I've given. But I know despite everything, you’d tell me I had every right, that I was a queen and you were simply doing your duty to me as my devout knight.  _

_ I remember your words. I can still hear them. "Don't be. All I’ve ever wanted was to serve you.”  _

_ I wanted to scream, to give voice to what festered viciously in my heart as my emotions threatened to smother my queenly facade. But ironic as it may have been, I couldn’t break the chains that tethered me to my duty, at least not under Daario’s watchful eye. Now however, the regret I’ve pushed aside has leaked through the cracks in my walls and I’m not sure if I can keep turning a blind eye to it any longer.  _

_ Be kinder to yourself, I’d tell you. I know...that’s grand coming from someone who’s not treated you well.  _

_ But once more. Forgive me. Allow me to be selfish yet again. We are oceans apart, but I know you can hear my wishes between the lapping waves and the whispering wind that carries my feelings. Come back to me soon. I wish to see you and hear you give voice to the unspoken conversations we’ve had. It’s only when I cannot hear you that I miss its warmth. It’s only when you’re not here, when I’ve sent you away, when you’ve been taken from me countless times, do I realize how much your presence means to me.  _

**「 six. 」**

_ I met with the King of the North today. Jon Snow is his name. My knowledge of him was limited to vague whispers here and there. I know he is Ned Stark’s bastard son and that he’d reclaimed Winterfell from House Bolton. He’d supposedly won a war against the Free Folk as well. Promising sure, but I knew better than to judge a man purely based on his accomplishments. _

_ He’s interesting. In a position where many would have bent the knee, he refused. Argumentative even, but an open mind nonetheless. Pride and sheer stubbornness seem to be the most prolific traits in northerners. Though, I suppose I’m well-acquainted with those characteristics. _

_ According to him, the real war lied not within the Great Houses or Cersei but beyond the wall. My first thought went to the free folk, but it was apparently a far greater threat.  _

_ An Army of the Dead. White Walkers, he’d called them. _

_ The very notion of it sounded ridiculous, but I must remember the birth of my children was nothing short of possible either. And Jon Snow didn’t seem like the type of person who would lie, especially in a place where it would not have benefited him. _

_ Tyrion knew the man better than I, so I believed his word. I am still skeptical, especially throwing my people, my children, myself into someone else’s war. If what he says is true however, then I must do my due diligence. If I am to rule, I must rule over the kingdoms and not a graveyard. _

**「 seven. 」**

_ There was a raging storm the night I was born here on Dragonstone. It is my birthplace, yet I feel as though there are still many secrets waiting to be discovered. _

_ I knew of the Dragonglass mine beneath, but had yet to properly explore it until today. There were carvings strewn across the wet stones, conveying a much deeper history than I’d anticipated. According to Jon, the First Men and Children of the Forest had joined forces to fend against the White Walkers. As depicted in the drawings, he and I must do the same as though it were a prophecy meant for us to fulfill. Finish what the First Men and Children could not. _

_ I have even fewer reasons to doubt Jon and the Army of the Dead now. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t growing tired of a bunch of century-old prophecies dictating my fate.  _

_ Admittedly, there’s a fear festering within me that I feel will grow only stronger as time draws us closer to that inevitable war.  _

_ But I know now is not the time to face it. Not yet at least. _

  
  


**「 eight. 」**

_ You came back. Just like I knew you would. _

_ There had always been that inkling of doubt threatening to douse my hopes, but I fought against it each day. I believed in you, just as you’d always believed in me.  _

_ And now you’re back. Cured, strong, and by my side as you were meant to be. _

_ I’m unable to find words capable of describing the elation I felt today, but there’s an urge within me that keeps the sleep I need at bay. It’s stronger than I can comprehend and it’s telling me to transcribe it all here before the traces of this euphoria disperses further into the evening. I’m not sure what it is exactly that’s compelling me. Perhaps I’m just happy to have you with me again and that was all I needed to know. _

_ What I do know without a shred of doubt is that I never want to forget today. _

_ I can’t recall specifically what Jon and I were discussing as we stood on that cliff side. All other thoughts perished the moment my Ko parted and revealed your familiar figure. Even now as the evening light engulfs Dragonstone, I remember what you looked like underneath that afternoon sun.  _

_ It was as if time had slowed just so I could take in your form, to ensure that you were real and not an illusion born from my mind. The wind was stronger than usual, as if it were the last remaining remnants of the force that guided you here. It whisked across your hair and sent your curls into a frenzy which I found quite endearing. You looked exhausted, as any soldier would after a long battle, especially a battle against a life-threatening disease. I knew it was also because of your long journey back to me, but neither of those things were able to snuff out that strong and silent flame burning in your eyes. The same one that I’d witnessed rekindle itself when I tasked you with finding the cure that day. _

_ I could see the smile you were trying to fight. Only my eyes alone could see the brief softness that claimed your features before duty straightened it. It was only when you spoke did I remember the watchful eyes trained on us. I was nearly lost within the world your presence alone brought me to, where the harsh winds and crashing waves against the sharp cliffs were but white noise and it was simply just us.  _

_ “...if you’ll have me.” _

_ You’d said something about returning to my services, but I remember the latter more fondly.  _

_ If I’d have you… Gods, of course. Of course!  _

_ But I knew all I could permit was simply, “it would be my honor.” _

_ I was no stranger to this feeling, this place you’ve brought me to simply by being.  _

_ Your face, marred by gladiatorial combat, and hand weathered by the sword, feelings that hushed the hell behind us that day after you’d saved me from a Sons of Harpy.  _

_ In that instance, I fell prey to what the world perceived as a ruler’s greatest enemy. I was but a marionette to feelings I couldn’t name nor deny the surge in my heart that urged me forward. I looped my arms around your neck, not missing the way your eyes fell to my lips as I drew you closer.  _

_ I remember it all.  _

_ Your natural woodsy scent blended with the slight musk from your travels, the backplate of your armor beneath your cloak as my hand glided across your back, only to find residence on your neck and soon after your little curls at the nape. _

_ Out of all the days I could’ve chosen to wear gloves… _

_ It was brief, but it’d felt like a lifetime had passed beyond us. I breathed in, permitting your scent - no  _ all _ of you to engulf my senses. It was though it was the first breath of fresh air I’d taken since arriving on Dragonstone.  _

_ I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed you didn’t embrace me...but I understood why. To them, we were simply queen and knight, with the queen welcoming her most valuable ally back into her ranks. But to us, to you, it was much more than that. Beyond the comprehension of anyone on this earth. Beyond even us. _

_ When you stepped away, I saw what I thought would be limited to my dreams. The whites of your teeth teasing from your slightly parted lips as you fought vainly to repress your smile. The soft little gleam in your eye as you glanced down at my retreating form, one that betrayed the formality you had to retain.  _

_ In that little instance between us, it’d almost seemed like the pain of our history had been ferried away, if only to a temporary place of repreival so that it would not interfere.  _

_ And in the next instance, it was gone. _

_ Sharp.  _

_ Sudden.  _

_ Contrasting the softness of your return, pulling me back to the reality that included Jon Snow. _

_ It was frustrating. Far too frustrating. But we were on the cusp of great strength and I knew - you knew, that we still had a roles to fulfill _

_ I remember the rigid form your features took as I introduced you to Jon Snow. Jon had served under your father. He was a good man according to him, and I’d no doubt about that even if we’d never crossed paths. But I can tell the compliments, the appreciation didn’t fully reach you. I cannot say for sure if Jon had noticed or not, but the change in your stature did not elude me. _

_ To you, Jon Snow was more than just an allegiance with the North. He was a strong, respected young man with political power that rivaled my own.  _

_ Your eyes betrayed you, Jorah. I could hear your thoughts within the dip of your tone despite the formality it possessed. You were envious, but...there was also something different about you. _

_ It may simply be my imagination...but you stood much differently than I remembered as I stepped back and looked at all of you.  _

_ Your shoulders were squared , but it wasn’t as pronounced as before. I could’ve sworn you stood a bit taller, straighter just based on my vague recollection. You almost looked...resigned. _

_ I’m just happy you’ve returned. I’m sorry I cannot alleviate you of the weight upon your heart as you’ve done for me many times before. _

_ ~~Perhaps I can but I~~  
_

_ I believe...this is enough for tonight. I shouldn’t have ended it on such a sour note. _

_ I’ve recorded what I could recall to the best of my ability. Your miraculous return will always be one of my most fondest memories and I’m glad I was able to detail it here. Dragonstone may have been my birthright, but it was never my home. Not until you came back.  _

_ Thank you. For everything. _

**「 nine. 」**

_ This whole notion of lugging a wight back alive was suicide. What guarantee did we have? A vague promise from a younger brother who was loathed by his tyrannical sister? What could we possibly gain from someone who was willing to shed innocent blood for her own selfish and petty motives? Am I to twiddle my thumbs as these foolish men threw themselves to literal death? _

_ And to make matters worse, they were for the idea. Jon. Greyjoy. Even you, Jorah. _

_ Let you serve me? Of course I'd let you serve me, but not like this. How could you possibly agree to this knowing the odds of any of you coming back! How could you agree to an idea that would cost us more than we would gain? _

_ I was once told my eyes betrayed me. I know you saw it, the muted hitch in my breath, the moment I looked back and our eyes met. The fact that you were so compliant with the idea angered me. Frustrated me. You'd just returned not long ago. We'd barely any time together and you're to leave me once more?  _

_ But you never budged, not even an inch from the duty you swore to uphold. Gods… your rationality could be so infuriating sometimes, as unreasonable as that may sound. _

_ Kind, gentle, strong and reassuring… I saw all of that, felt it all just from our brief connection. _

_ I've learned much from you. I knew I had to remain just as rational. Level-headed. Patient. No ruler ever won their battles without taking risks. I spent half of this conquest of mine gambling with my odds and trusting their counsel.  _

_ But there was more to it than just that, wasn't there? _

_ When I turned back around, my eyes fell to Jon Snow. Even the distance between us across the war table could not mask that look. I grew familiar with it over time. The hunger of a man in the face of strength and beauty, only this time with a tinge of northern subtlety.  _

_ But I knew I could not reciprocate, for the place in my heart had no room for a wolf. It yearned too fiercely for something else and burned too brightly for a creature of the north to follow without costing the rest of his pack. He is a strong and what most would perceive as a suitable young man.  _

_ But there is a softness I crave… a missing piece that I've yet to find. Something the world has shunned since the dawn of this game of thrones. _

_ I have changed since my time with Khal Drogo, and the world must follow. There are other ways to maintain an alliance and I will find them and show them. _

_ I still have so many nameless doubts that I cannot record here, such as this uneasiness settling in my stomach. You are to depart with the rest of them tomorrow on this god-forsaken mission and yet I… _

_ I must try to get some rest if I am to wish you well.  _

  
  


**「 ten. 」**

_ Viserion. My child. _

_ I knew this was a ridiculous idea from the beginning. I should have fought harder to keep them from going on what was a suicide mission. _

_ But I didn’t and my child paid the price for it.  _

_ I was angry. Hurt. Mournful. I’d always believed in the strength of my children, but tonight had whipped my heart to the reality of the threat we faced. The fear that I’d felt simmering before had breach passed the seal and I am desperate to burn it shut.  _

_ The Night King possessed an intelligence his army lacked. Eons of terror and history flowed through his blood. He knew what he was doing. _

_ They were not invincible, and he knew that so well.  _

_ Drogon. Rhaegal. Both could perish with just a single, well-aimed blow.  _

_ I should’ve known better. Dragons were far greater than man, but they could still bleed and die just like any living mortal.  _

_ I was trapped in a raging storm formed from the death of my child and the reality of their mortality.  _

_ We’d set sail for Winterfell a few days ago, but my heart and thoughts were desperate for a light amongst the darkness surrounding me. So I sought the only light I knew of and knocked on the wooden door to your quarters. _

_ You were shocked at first. It was clear that he didn’t expect any company at this hour, mine out of all people. I remember your initial reluctance, given the context of the candle-lit room and the loosened strings on your cotton shirt. But I’d told you I sought your counsel and you eventually stepped aside to let me in.  _

_ But you knew there was more to that, Jorah. You knew my moods the best. You are one of only a handful of people who knew how important my dragons were to me, and understood the weight of Viserion’s death. You may not think it, but you are their father. Viserion’s father. You were the first person they saw besides me that day. _

_ You moved to grab a chair for me I think, but I beelined for the foot of your bed without much thought. The chair didn’t look that comfortable, forgive me. You joined me not long after, but you left a respectable distance between us.  _

_ It shouldn’t have, but just that little space between us frustrated me. My emotions were tumultuous at the time and something as mundane as that had only served to fan the flames. _

_ Your room was almost completely barren as I’d expected. It even smelled like you. I remember your scent as though it were a part of me nowadays.  _

_ You didn’t seem like the type of person to carry anything wasn’t necessary or valuable. A few books there and one single chest by an old desk, but that was about it. It might sound a bit...strange, but it intrigued me. I felt like I knew you yet I also felt that there was much left to be discovered. _

_ We only ever saw each other while we donned our political armors. Seldom did we ever meet like this.  _

_ But I knew you were never going to open that door again. Not after what we’d been through together. What I’d done to you. It fell to me to reap what I’ve sewed.  _

_ I began with mundane questions at first. What Winterfell was like, if we would pass Bear Island on our way to Winterfell, your thoughts on the North and what we should prepare for.  _

_ It didn’t take long for me to succumb under the sheer weight of my responsibilities. Politics required so much of me. I was tired of being strong for the queen when all I wanted was to be a mother who’d just lost her child.  _

_ I wept a bit, unashamedly so. I knew I could trust you the most when I was this vulnerable. I mourned you simply let me. I remember the shoulder my head fell upon, the stiff knee jerk reaction your body produced at my touch. It was only when I reached for your hand with both of mine did I feel your posture soften. Your other hand engulfed my own soon after.  _

_ I felt protected in your grasp. I could never forget the petal-like caress I felt against my heart as you rubbed your thumb in comforting circles around my hands, nor the soft timber of your voice rasping words of consolation and strength. _

_ I’m unsure if it was just my way of coping or something much deeper and beyond my understanding blistering within me. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d spoken like this. The divide between us since I’d sent you away...I felt as though it’d stopped growing but it’d never begun to close either. It was simply...still. Not too far, not too close, never growing beyond what the earth permitted. _

_ All I knew at the time was that on top of everything else, I’d suddenly had the urge to push it further, closer, to defy whatever laws the world imposed. It quickly dawned on me that we’d never spoken of your Greyscale and the cure you’d found. You mentioned a name, a young maester by the name of Samwell who’d served under your father at the Wall, but that was all you’d told me. I knew there was more to it, and I could only think of having me fret over you as the only reason why you wouldn’t disclose more.  _

_ There was no need for you to tell me, however. There’s still much left to discover, but I knew you better than most, Jorah. Your experience, the pain that was inflicted upon you is etched across the lines of your face and buried deep within your blue eyes.  _

_ Gods, you even tried to ride with a poorly tended hip wound once. I was only able to find out because you were slouching more than usual that day. You were always terrible at lying. _

_ We’d spent enough time playing our roles as knight and queen during the day. I did not wish to play that game when the world was tucked away for the night. Not when we were here simply as Daenerys and Jorah.  _

_ I’d asked you directly, softly “I wish to see it. Your Greyscale.” _

_ I knew you’d refuse.  _

_ You always did what was best for me. You were trying to protect me. Not from an assassin, not from my own demons nor the world, but from yourself. You were strong, you always were, but even I knew then you felt a little bit more self-conscious without the weight of the armor you donned daily. _

_ You never asked how I knew. We knew each other best. We can hear each other’s thoughts even when we try to silence them.  _

_ Instead, you came up with an excuse.  _

_ “It is not something a queen should see. Ever. It is unsightly.” _

_ Your eyes couldn’t meet mine. You’re ashamed. I tried to strengthen my grip on your hands, but you slowly unraveled them from mine as you withdrew. The spell between us was unraveling and I didn’t want that. _

_ You’d said unsightly...you were referring to more than just your scars, weren’t you? _

_ But I’d told you: “I am no queen behind these doors, nor you a knight. There is nothing unsightly about scars earned from fighting for the someone believed in.” _

_ I would’ve told you many times more if I had to.  _

_ I would’ve begged you too.  _

_ I wanted to see it. I wanted to see you.  _

_ You’d shifted away from me on the bed, silent and stiff, pondering. I knew there were thousands of words conflicting with one another in your heart and mind. This was more than just companionship to you. I was more than just a queen to you. _

~~_ Just as you are more than just _ ~~

_ I was being selfish again, but I believed it was part of bringing back a piece of us that I’d destroyed that fateful day in Mereen. _

_ I reached for the back you’d turned towards me, but the sound of loosening fabric stopped me. You were deliberately slow in your movements, but patience was one of the things you’d taught me. The tension between us had thickened to the point where I could recall hearing your breaths and perhaps even the quickening of your heartbeat. _

_ At last, you pulled the material from your shoulders and revealed what you could not tell. _

_ My heart skipped. I swore I allowed a small gasp to escape my lips. I assumed you’d heard me as your shoulders hunched a bit lower, your head hung in what I assumed was shame.  _

_ No, you’d misinterpreted it. A portion of our history has been built upon just that, hasn’t it?  _

_ What I felt upon seeing you was the complete opposite of whatever it was plaguing your thoughts. _

_ My memory is at its strongest here.  _

_ The awe I felt, the wistful intrigue that urged my hand forward to rest on your strong back. The raised and jagged flesh, warm beneath my fingertips as I traced the irregular paths it formed. I was fondly reminded of a dragon’s hyde, the piece of flesh that not only protected the fire beating beneath, but also gave color and beauty that befitted rulers of the sky. _

_ My lips had gone a bit dry then. I was left breathless at how magnificent those delicate scales looked on you and the impressive strength pulsing beneath it. I’d barely any words, only a hoarse whisper of “beautiful” came to me at the time.  _

_ I could see the conflict, the shock crossing your face even with your back turned to me. The sharp breath you took, the subtle pinch of your muscles as you absorbed my touch and my words, the “Khaleesi” you rasped. _

_ I remember the feel of your heart and its rabid pulses underneath my palm. I’d wondered if you could hear mine as well. Its soothing rhythmic pattern. I was weak to the impulses that only ever manifested around you, and the protection of nightfall only drew me deeper into its comforting embrace.  _

_ I scooted closer, filling the divide between us. I snaked my arms around your waist and let my head rest between your shoulder blades. My hands were liberal in their movements as they felt more scars and bumps across your stomach and chest. I couldn’t see, but I could feel scars that had stories you’ve yet to share. Your strength rippled beneath my touch, your breathes deepened. I felt you tremble a bit, from our intimacy or perhaps from the fact that I could see beauty where you could not.  _

_ I embraced it. I embraced you. I wanted to embrace all of you. I wanted to help you heal. I wanted you to know how much you meant to me. I wanted to embrace whatever it was that’d rooted itself in my heart and nurture it.  _

_ “Daenerys,” I’d told you.  _

_ It was just us. I wanted you to call me by my name again. I wanted to add another piece to the bridge that I’d foolishly allowed to rot between us so that you may cross over once more. _

_ I felt your shaky hand over my own, felt the vibrato of your deep and soothing voice as it resonated across your back and against my cheek.  _

_ “Daenerys.” _

_ I remember I couldn’t help but smile a bit against your skin. I knew you felt that. _

_ “Daenerys,” you’d said again, softer.  _

_ I liked it. I liked it a lot. I never wanted to miss hearing it ever again.  _

_ My eyes eventually drifted close. Your nearness, your warm skin, the jagged hyde woven across the planes of your muscles, your beating heart, your voice. I was tired of anything that wasn’t you at that moment and eventually succumbed to the sleep that’d eluded me before. _

_ The last thing I remember telling you was something I should have told you more frequently before. _

_ “Thank you." _

_ I awoke this morning underneath the covers of my own bed. I’m unable to fully recall how I ended up back here. But the strength that lulled me to sleep, the arms that carried me and protected me, the soothing pattern of life beneath your chest and your familiar footfall resounding against the walls of my dreams… _

_ There’s no doubt about it.  _

_ Be it dreams or reality, I was…am safe because of you.  _

  
  
  



	2. .xi - .xvii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A broken heart. A moment. A revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to split this into 3 parts because of the length. This piece really said "aight I'm getting my own life, drop the pen normies I'm writing myself"
> 
> It was my first time writing in first person so I was a bit anxious. Twas a good challenge tho and I'm glad it turned out decent for you guys! As always, thank you for all the love and support. Last part to come soon. 🙏

  
  


**「 eleven. 」**

_My children didn’t like the North and neither did I._

_I could read their moods as well as any book. I’d heard it in their cries, felt the aggravated thrum beneath their scales. Missandei, Grey Worm, my Ko, my people - none of them liked it here._

_Tyrion wasn’t inclined to the constant chill either, but he’d adjusted with time and assured me I would as well. Lady Tyrell, as perceptive as ever, seemed to have picked up on my uneasiness and tried to bolster my spirits in her own trenchant way. What the north lacked in personality and climate, they made up with their brusque demeanor according to her._

_I was initially unsure of what she’d meant, but I should be acquainted with her uncanny way of masking comfort behind sarcasm. But I recall she’d said something else that’d completely blindsided me._

_“Do try your best to remember you still have that Bear Islander of yours should you ever grow weary of looking at all those moldy faces. He’s as charming as wet cheese, but at least he’ll provide some form of levity for the eyes. Wouldn’t you agree, my dear?”_

_Gods, I could feel my face heating up again. That was the only time I’d been thankful for the climate as it masked my flushed cheeks. I’d no doubt you, who’d been riding closely behind me, heard her too. Thinking about it now, the way she’d chosen to raise her voice specifically for that moment...I’m absolutely sure it was deliberate. I have my suspicions, and the more I deny it, the stronger it grows yet I still cannot bring myself to look._

_I didn’t dare turn around either, but I knew you were just as flustered._

_I must confess, a more willing part of me couldn’t help but conjure a picture of you with pink cheeks. As I recall everything now, I can’t help but smile at that image alone nor ignore the soft flutter in my heart._

_The universe was merciful to us thankfully as our approach to Winterfell forced us to straighten ourselves again._

_Little had been said when we arrived, minus the required (frigid) formalities from the Starks. Straightforward and to-the-point - I should be familiar with these northern traits by now, but it felt colder, stiffer than the blizzard we’d flown through beyond the Wall. Jon did his best to introduce me to his family, but I felt no warmth between the Starks and I._

_They were strangers to small talk, but their eyes said what they would not, and that sort of thing wasn’t limited to just them. I’d felt it from the onlookers surrounding us. The judgement, the fear and the uneasiness only served to thicken the tension in the air. It felt hard to stand and breathe. I am fire made flesh, but to the pack, I was an outsider. The only thing that connected us were the enemies we shared and they made sure I knew._

_It’d felt like the complete opposite of what had given me strength back in Essos. The contrast was intense - the love that brimmed in the eyes of the people I’d freed, the people who’d chosen me and loved me with their own free will. I fondly remember their touch as they revered me as their Mhysa._

_I miss it all the more because I feel no such thing here._

_It’s late, much too late for me to disturb your rest. I wish to see you but I must temper myself. I know you would never turn me away, but it was you who taught me selflessness. This ache in my heart, this strong and vocal urge I’m feeling right now...is this how it feels? Was it this painful for you too? And to think you still stand by my side despite it everything, I’m_

_~~I feel as though you’re~~ _

_~~You mean more to~~ _

_~~I want to~~ _

_I must do the same for you at this time. I’ll endure for you, for me, for us. I do not feel safe here even behind the walls of the chambers given to me or with the guards assigned to my door._

_~~When all of this is over, I’ll~~ _

_When all of this is over, we’ll talk more. We must._

_Forgive me. The fire burning in the hearth is still bright, yet it fails to keep away the frost threatening my soul. I’d ranted about selflessness, yet I’m afraid the thought of you is the only warmth I feel that’s keeping me from freezing over._

**「 twelve. 」**

_Samwell. Samwell Tarly. He was the young maester who'd saved you, and I’d burned his father and brother._

_I’d been eager to meet him since you’d told me about him, but I’d not anticipated him to be Randyll’s eldest. The brush of warmth and pride that I’d felt upon meeting him vanished like smoke in the wind as I told him the truth. At the very least, I owed him that._

_I cannot undo what has been done. Whether it was the right choice or a mistake matters not at this point. I must bear the weight of my actions as I always have been, and Samwell’s grief was just another addition to the mass._

_The only thing I could offer was my apology. Whether it eased his spirits or kindled the frustration raging within him, I do not know. He’d dismissed himself not long after I’d delivered the news._

_Your presence gave me some form of solace to hold on to. You’d said nothing, but I knew you felt it too. Your face had taken on a more sorrowful look and your silence spoke what I’d needed to hear._

_Give him time. What’s done is done._

_I know...I know._

_My fingers had moved and sought the familiar strength of your forearm._

**「 thirteen. 」**

_I’d been too afraid to pick up the pen, fearful of my own thoughts and the demons that have infested them._

_I am only able to write here again because of Missandei’s gentle persistence._

_I’m no stranger to the responsibilities my role entails. I’ve grown used to the weight I must carry for the people who chose to fight for me._

_But ever since that night, I have been struggling to keep myself from falling apart. Everything feels heavier. I’m trying to be the foundation for them to rebuild when I can barely piece together my own broken heart._

_I’ve lost more than I've won. I’ve wept more times than I can count on two hands. I’ve grieved to the point of numbness. Yet, there is a part of me that still hurts as I write this. Winter has passed and the soft glows from the fire should bring me comfort, but I’m still trapped in a war no one else can see. I can only feel the tears threatening my eyes and penmanship as my thoughts fumble from the grasp of my demons. You are here with me, yet you are not. I fear that if I look away for too long, the steady rise and fall of your chest would turn out to be nothing but a false illusion of hope._

_I’d been desperate. I’d hounded the maesters a bit more aggressively than I would have liked, but I was scared. My fears extended beyond an army of wights or the Night King._

_I didn’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose you. I couldn’t lose you. I can’t._

_I understand. This is what I must endure for everything I’d put us through, but how much more? How many more times must you be taken away from me until the gods are satisfied?_

_My only comfort was the physical pattern I'd conditioned myself into. I'd curl my fingers around your limp hand while the other carded through your soft hair._

_Whatever darkness that has a hold of you, I command you to fight it. I know you can win. I’ll beg if I have to._

_I promise. I promise I’ll be kinder to you. I’ll make more time for you, for us. Just us._

_I want to stay, but I know duty will take me away from you again by morning. I shouldn’t be, but I’m tired of it. Tired of the North, the lack of gratitude, I’m tired of everything here and I want to go home._

_Gods, no world is worth ruling if you’re not in it.  
_

**「 fourteen. 」**

_I knew the moment Missandei and I’d met, we’d become dear friends. I underestimated how important to me she’d become._

_There were not many opportunities for her and I to spend time with one another alone. She’d visited my chambers on her own accord today as I’d allowed her to take as much time as she needed being with Grey Worm._

_She was always one of the only few people who knew my moods as well as you did._

_I’d learned to dress myself and braid my own hair, but admittedly I’d missed the attendance of her deft fingers and gentle touch. It felt nice to have someone else tend to my hair after so long, but it felt even nicer to have her as company again._

_Within the privacy of these walls, I’ve permitted Missandei to be less formal. She is my handmaiden, but she is also one of my dearest friends. I didn’t realize how much I needed her presence until she visited. It was the most relaxed I’d felt in so long, just having another strong womanly presence by my side._

_We’d kept our conversations light for the most part and amused ourselves with silly gossip about Tyrion. The truth behind Jon Snow - or I should say Aegon Targaryen still weighed heavily on my thoughts, but his connection with me was the last thing I wanted to talk about. He was raised as a Stark and I Targaryen. He is as much of a dragon as I am a wolf._

_Our exchanges would drift to other topics of levity, such as Olenna, N’aath, the types of food she grew up with, medicine, the history behind their affinity with butterflies. I eventually inquired about her relationship with her beloved._

_They were doing well according to her, but that shouldn’t be a surprise. Both she and Grey Worm were among some of the strongest people I knew. They’d always been able to overcome the worst the world has thrown at them. Grey Worm was still a man of very few words, but there’s a lightness to him that wasn’t there before when I first met him. I swear I’d even seen him smile once as well. There was no doubt Missandei had brought out the best of him, reminded him that there was still a man with a heaty beneath that armor._

_I was getting comfortable in our conversations, so much that I’d inquired about what she admired the most about Grey Worm. She’d jokingly told me she found his curt and sullen moods to be his winning charming points. That drew a chuckle out of me. Missandei telling a joke is still something I still have to get used to. Tyrion was rubbing off on my small council in more ways than one it seems._

_What I didn’t expect was for her to ask the same of me. I was a bit confused at first until she’d clarified:_

_“Ser Jorah, Your Grace. What do you like about him?”_

_She’d spoken so...straightforwardly, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t blindsided by the question. I swear she must have heard my mind implode after she’d asked me that. The silence that I’d allowed to fill the gap between us as I tried to process her question didn’t help my case either._

_But something else had dawned on me not long after. It pressed against my chest, nudged me forward so that I was closer to the chasm below my feet._

_There are times when she knew me better than I knew myself. There were so many implications, so many truths hidden beneath her words, and she knew the only way to get me to face them was to force my stubborn self into a position where denial was not an option._

_I didn’t question why she honed in on you out of everyone else. The answer was buried deep within my heart and lingered among the silent admissions between her and I._

_But I’d simply told her, “many things” and that was sufficient enough for her. I practically heard her smile behind me when I said that._

**「 fifteen. 」**

_I’d been impatient. I wanted that meeting with the Starks to be over the moment the maester informed me you’d roused from your stupor._

_I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m occasionally reminded that the birth of my dragons was nothing short of a miracle, but you yourself are a hidden wonder very few have acknowledged. I can’t help but feel giddy and prideful knowing such a man, let alone having one by my side._

_My mouth is still a tad sore. It’d been awhile since I smiled like that. Only a mere few weeks had passed since the battle, yet it felt like a lifetime had gone by without you with me. You were still weak and you had no strength to give voice to words I knew you wanted to share with me when we reunited. But it’s alright. I know, my bear. Your eyes did what your lips could not._

_I heard your soft smile, the relief, the love pooling at your hues as I tugged your hand closer to my face. I remember the hoarse “Khaleesi” you breathed as your calloused thumb tentatively brushed against the bone of my cheek. I wanted to fall further into your touch, to tell you how much I’ve missed you, but I knew you needed rest._

_Missandei had informed me that Tyrion and Olenna could manage without me, but I’d no doubt Olenna was the mastermind behind that idea. I’d be a fool to complain. I was in no hurry to spend another minute away from you._

_You fell into a slumber not long after, still fatigued from recovery. The pain that once creased your brows and dictated the lines of your face were no more. I’d been dutifully applying a wet towel to your forehead and face to maintain your temperature, and ease the weight of your scrapes. You fussed a bit, but it lasted no more than a minute before exhaustion lulled you back to sleep._

_You’re stubborn as ever, but you’ll have to do more than that if you want to keep me from caring for you._

_Even as I record this late into the night, you are peaceful still. Your lips are parted in repose and I cannot resist the tug on my lips listening to your soft little snore. I should be wrapping up the remainder of my thoughts for the night, but it's taking me longer than usual. I’m deliberate in my actions however, as I’ve been allowing my heart to guide my actions around you as of late._

_Just looking at you sends pleasant tingles across my heart. I can’t believe you’d chosen me when you could’ve chosen your home long ago. I can’t believe you’re still real._

_Forgive me. I couldn’t help but reach out to brush that stubborn little lock across your forehead._

_I cannot allow Olenna and Tyrion to bear the burden of my responsibilities for too long. I must return to them soon, but for now I will be here. I am here._

_I will never abandon you._

**「 sixteen. 」**

_You’ve grown strong within the past month. I’m more than pleased with your progress as it’d allowed you to accompany me on walks throughout Winterfell’s forestry._

_I’d decided on the godswood for this evening’s stroll. Winterfell had tucked away for the night, which provided us even more privacy for us. I remember the cadence of our steps crunching in the snow beneath us, the soft whisper of the breeze as it rustled the crimson weirwood leaves around us._

_It’d grown to be a familiar pattern for the both of us. I’d seek your company once the day was done and we’d simply walk wherever my moods dictated. I remember you’d fret over rumors that these little nighttime strolls would cause, but I thought little of them. Their opinions of me matter not. They may keep their independence once this war with Cersei is over. They are not my people and never will be. The only opinions I cared about were yours._

_We spoke little besides light jests here and there. It’d almost seemed as though we’d tucked away our duties alongside everything else behind nightfall. That way, we could just enjoy...us. Each other. Just you and I._

_I’m discovering more and more of my happiest moments. Uncoincidentally, most of them consist of you. Tonight was no exception, and I felt as though the clear evening sky had purposefully matched itself with the parting of clouds around my aching heart._

_I’d felt as though there’d been an invisible string between us that tugged me closer to you the more we spent time with each other. We were to depart for Dragonstone soon but...I’d secretly been praying for them to be deliberate with their recovery, as terribly selfish as that sounds._

_I didn’t want moments like this between us to end. I knew the moment we stepped foot onto Dragonstone, we’d be tossed into preparation for the last stretch of this war. Regardless of how I feel, I’m afraid the end to our little ventures will soon be coming to a close._

_That’s why I made sure to embrace everything that was us tonight. We’d stopped just in front of the weirwood tree, watching the leaves dance among the wind. The moon had cast a brilliant light between the branches and I couldn’t help but follow its rays until my gaze fell on you._

_I was familiar with your rugged features, but in that instance, it’d felt like it was the first time I'd ever seen you. A part of me had always known you were a handsome man, but…tonight felt so different. I was struck by the way the moon cast it’s glow across your beautiful face and how it accentuated your cheekbones and parted lips. I adored the wistful look in your eyes as you pondered on thoughts I could not hear. The true beauty of this forest was on full view for those lucky enough to see when the moon was at its brightest as it was tonight. But for me, all I saw was you._

_I wanted to speak, to inquire about your thoughts. I only knew so much of what was going on in your thoughts at the time. I wanted to unravel all of your mysteries as they were like treasures to me that have waited for someone to discover._

_I did not register the allure of the scene presented to me by the tree or feel the mild chill biting at my cheeks. It was just you and the final push that pressed against my heart as it plunged into the chasm beneath. There was no time spared for hesitation or a second thought._

_It had overwhelmed my instincts, my senses, all of me. I didn’t resist. I was tired of resisting, of fighting. I wanted to feel what it was like falling for once. I remembered I'd reached for you and looped my arm around the crook of yours, the one that always rested on the hilt of your sword. I felt the adoration I had for you swarm my heart, pool in my eyes and stretch across my features as I looked up at you._

_Our eyes met. You were startled a bit at first, but your face softened just as quickly. The way your eyes adoringly scanned me did not go unnoticed. Your love for me was carved into your body and hidden in plain sight among your face. I have seen it, felt it, and bore witness to it that night on the battlefield._

_We’d long rebuilt the missing intimacy between us. I’m not sure if you saw it. I’m not sure if you felt it as strongly as I did._

_All I knew with absolute clarity was how much I wanted to engrave your handsome moonlit face and the smile we shared in my memory so that I may never forget._

**「 seventeen. 」**

_I love you._

_I am absolutely, irrevocably in love with you and I can deny it no more._

_How could it be that after everything, something as simple as watching you softly mull over your thoughts with the moon illuminating your face tipped me over? Was it the accumulation of it all? The pain we’ve endured, the wars we’ve won, the little steps we took towards each other across the bridge we’d rebuilt?_

_I don’t know. I don’t care. I love you and I’m tired of letting my demons feed on my doubts._

_This world has already tried to take you from me so many times and I’m no less guilty. The ache I feel is partially self-inflicted. If I’d told you sooner, where would we be? I’m afraid my dreams are the only things that can answer that at this point._

_I love you. I love you so much. I feel like those are the only words I know that can appropriately describe how dear you are to me. My heart is beating so fast that I’m struggling to maintain my penmanship. The rush I feel has scattered my thoughts yet I feel more whole than I’ve ever felt before. I’m so happy yet afraid. I’m falling yet I don’t want to stop._

_Viserys loved me and abused me. Khal Drogo loved me and raped me. Daario Naharis loved me and I, initially intoxicated by my sexual liberation and newfound power, loved him until I could no more._

_You loved me and I was afraid._

_“There are times when I look at you and I still can’t believe you’re real.” It was too genuine, too soft, too raw, too strong. I didn’t know. I’d barely any power then and I was afraid of losing everything, my dragons, showing weakness. Knowing was power, and I feared not knowing what it was that had planted itself in my heart that day would’ve cost my people and I more. I was a fool, but I was also young and naive._

_Perhaps I’ve been a fool for much longer._

_I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m sorry you’ve endured so much. I’m desperate to string together the moments we’ve lost._

_I want to stop writing and just run down the narrow halls towards your chambers and into your arms. I want to feel your strong body against mine. I want you to hold me until the dawn of our new world._

_But I know I must...be patient. We've many wounds still that must heal. They are not ones that heal overnight. This feeling, the love I have for you, strengthens me like no other, but it is fragile nonetheless. I’ve learned the consequences of letting it fester for too long, yet if I’m too hasty, I risk even more. I must be mindful of the heart I’d broken in order to protect it from shattering into even smaller pieces. It pains me. I ache for you, long for you. I love you, but this is part of the retribution I must face if we are to heal, my sweet bear._

_Gods, you were always the more patient one between the two of us._

_It was like this for you as well, wasn’t it? This is it, isn’t it? To love someone so much that it hurts. I knew you were always strong, but these little fragments of strength I’m discovering only make me love you even more._

_I love you._


	3. .xviii - .xxiv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One kiss. One journal. One future.
> 
> Rating increase for entry #20.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the last part (and the longest). Sorry for the length, it got out of my control lol. I hope the little ending makes up for it. <3
> 
> I sacrificed a lot of political plottage bs because I wanted to focus more on the tropes. Let's be honest, those are the only things that matter tbh. Plot? Political sense? Logic?? What are those and will they pay off my student loans? #TheRealQuestions 
> 
> I was initially a bit anxious starting this because first-person is (probably) one of the most difficult narratives to write in, but the love and support from you guys are truly the fruits of my labor. I had fun writing this piece despite the hardships. This fandom is the butteriest butter to ever grace my toast. Thank you all for the kind words. I'll add the final piece to this lil KL AU some time in the future. No, I haven't forgotten about that fic I still owe you @fanoftheknight. <3
> 
> Stay gucci, everyone. ✌️

**「 eighteen. 」**

_ It’s been too long since I’ve written here.  _

_ The weeks that led up to our final battle against Cersei required much of my attention. The closer we drew to the end, the less room there was for mistakes. _

_ We had won of course and captured Cersei alive. I allowed Jaime and Olenna to do what they wished with her. Their ties to her were more personal than mine and I did not care much for her fate. They poisoned her, a slow-acting one, but I’m sure she was alive just long enough for both of them (Olenna especially) to get the last word. I burned both her lifeless body and the Iron Throne to ashes in order to usher in a new era.  _

_ Anyways… I could go on but I don’t want to. I believe I’ve detailed enough of what's happened in the past month. I am not obligated to continue talking about politics here. This journal serves a greater purpose now that the game is over. I haven’t written in so long and I refuse to have this first passage be regulated by duty. _

_ I’m sure the revelation my heart experienced two moons ago played a role in how I felt, but I had grown weary of the fight then and was impatient to put an end to it all. I wanted to turn the page on this war so that I could start a new chapter that was written just for the two of us. _

_ Our time apart was necessary and I hated every passing second of it. I had to finish what I’d started, but the declaration my heart made the night before we departed Winterfell had skewered my sense of time and rationality.  _

_ Every minute I spent away from you felt like an eternity. The fleeting glances, the way your fingers would gently brush against mine as you handed me scrolls, all of those little moments we’d shared felt like it’d passed too quickly in contrast. Even now as I sit here on my bed with only the gentle bustle of the city below accompanying me, my heart yearns for you. At the very least, recording these thoughts I have of you alleviates the aches, if only by a bit. _

_ You are a constant in my mind and heart. I miss our evening strolls while we were at Winterfell. I’m still waiting for the day where the universe will finally slip away, even if it’s just for a moment, so that we may have more than just stolen glances across the halls and tables. _

**「 nineteen. 」**

_ To others, it would have sounded like the most absurd idea.  _

_ It was. _

_ Frankly, any idea that involved Olenna was dangerous, especially when it regarded more….personal matters. I shouldn’t have agreed to it, but I couldn’t ignore the thrill behind the absurdity of it all, especially since it involved  _ you _. Although, now that I think about it, I don’t believe Olenna would have allowed me to disagree anyways. _

_ I also have no regrets and I’m sure you don’t either...I made sure you didn’t. _

_ My recollection of yesterday night is still as clear as the day we met. I wish to detail everything as I relish this giddy feeling within me before it disappears.  _

_ Olenna had grown frustrated with the glum look on my face and blatantly told me she’d morph into a “musty northerner” the more she looked at me. This “ridiculous mating ritual” between us had also annoyed her to the point where she threatened to have the soldiers (yes, the very soldiers under your command) strap you to a ballista and launch you towards my window. _

_ I’d like to point out that these are her words and not mine. I’m sure you know that by now but...I felt some unknown force compelling me to clarify.  _

_ And so she concocted a devilish plan: you would be forced to sleep in my chambers for the night as your own private room underwent “mandatory renovations.” Olenna would tell you to consult with me to find out where you’d stay for the night. The rest would be up to me.  _

_ Gods, I swear I remember I heard her voice in my head. _

_ “Make sure you take him, my dear. Don’t make me take him for you.” _

_ Your steps drew closer, in cadence with my erratic heartbeat. I was ecstatic to see you, but also anxious. I was always sure of how I felt, confident with the men I brought to bed, and knew what I wanted, but you were none of them. You’re Jorah and I’d never ever felt this happy and nervous before. The both of us were no strangers to this, but it felt like our first time in such an intimate environment. _

_ I felt the thrums of my heartbeat against my ears as I forced myself from my tumultuous thoughts, and scurried to my desk near the balcony. I’m not sure what I tried to accomplish there. I was supposed to look busy with something? What, with all the blank parchment papers and unopened scrolls splayed across the table? _

_ All of my anxious thoughts vanished when you opened the door and greeted me with a soft “Khaleesi.” I was astounded at how much your presence alone affected the air between us, and it grew as you stepped closer. It was thick, heavy, and I found myself breathless at the mere sight of you. _

_ I’d missed you. I’d missed us. I was elated to see you. I knew you were as well. The little crinkle by your eye whenever your face softened could never elude me. I was more familiar with your features than my own.  _

_ Something was holding you back though. I knew what it was and I intended to tear it down tonight. I was a bit nervous still, but I’d resolved myself to see this through to the end. I refused to let the idea of “us” drown in our new positions.  _

_ You told me what I’d already known. Your tone said it all, and I’m sure you could see what my eyes could never bother to hide. Our eyes would always be the ones to betray us.  _

_ You knew the whole idea was a charade setup by Olenna, but you never questioned why. I knew you would never believe it, but I went with it still. I told you I had a place in mind but wanted to talk with you first. The corner of your lips ticked upwards and it reflected the knowing glint in your blue eyes. But you didn’t say any more other than a simple “of course” and followed me to a spot by the fire.  _

_ We sat there in comfortable silence and simply soaked in each other’s company. We’d not been together like this since we left Winterfell and I could feel the sores of your absence soften with you here with me. There was initially a space between us, but I promptly closed it and shuffled closer so that our arms touched.  _

_ I was the first to break the lull between us with “forgive me.” I’d wanted to arrange a time and place for us to spend time together as we did at Winterfell, but our duties interfered at every opportune moment. Our days have been longer than they have been before ever since we reclaimed the Seven Kingdoms. They sometimes seeped into the late evening. I did not wish to take you away from the rest you needed.  _

_ But perhaps it was all just an excuse I’d convinced myself to tell you. I love you, but in truth, I had no direction, no experience, no concrete idea of how I was supposed to tread on this unknown territory. I was more afraid of breaking what we already had if I was too hasty.  _

_ “You know I’d do anything for you, with or without Lady Tyrell breathing down my neck, ” was your response.  _

_ I smiled fondly at that. You absolutely would. It was one of the reasons why I loved you so much. I’d almost fallen for it then, nearly succumbed to the strength of my feelings for you, and captured your lips with mine. But I resisted and endured despite your nearness, your natural woodsy scent, and your husky voice.  _

_ “Then tell me about Bear Island. Tell me what you were like when you were a child.” _

_ I remembered how you wistfully recalled your birthplace. The tall pines and the fresh smell of oak lined across countless hills. The grandeur of the waterfall by Mormont Keep that froze over during the harshest winters. The moss-covered rocks beneath the clear ponds.  _

_ Spring was rare but even rarer was the herd of sea otters that would occasionally drift near the coastline as they searched for mates and raised their pups. Despite the ferocity of the unpredictable seasons, Bear Island stood tall and strong but also beautiful in a way only the islanders themselves could appreciate.  _

_ You said I’d like it there. Bear Islanders saw what mainlanders could not. They appreciated character, not the crown atop of one’s head or the coin in their pockets. There was a strong warrior culture among the women and most of them were the island’s finest.  _

_ To others, it might have sounded preposterous. But to me, it sounded like a breath of fresh air from a world too comfortable with traditions of old. I was eager to visit as soon as time permitted. _

_ You were an only son and thus raised to be the finest warrior among your people, but you lost your mother at a young and tender age. You can no longer recall her face and the rest of your childhood was a blur. It hurt to see the aches of your past appearing on your face, the tears that pooled at your eyes as you recalled the disappointment you felt you’d become to your father since your exile. I remained silent, slipped my hand underneath yours, rubbed circles across your calloused warm skin with my thumb, and absent-mindedly traced the smaller greyscale scars.  _

_ I never knew mother or father, but in its own twisted way, it was merciful for me. I never had to mourn, never had my heart broken, never had anyone to disappoint.  _

_ You never had a chance to mourn, to talk about any of this before, did you? No one can survive without help, Jorah. _

_ My arms eventually curled themselves around yours. My cheek followed suit and rested against your shoulder. These little things used to surprise you, but I no longer felt you stiffen under my touch. We’d grown familiar with each other again, healed what I’d wrought the day you tried to reach for me. _

_ I wanted to see it. I wanted you to take me home one day. I wanted to walk the dirt path you took that led to a cove only you knew about. I wanted to brush my hands along the same bushes, breathe in the same piney air with your hand in mine. I wanted to feast on the same venison or fish by a warm fire underneath the stars while you shared stories and songs.  _

_ One day, we will.  _

_ I knew you were reluctant to share so much, but I suppose the both of us were simply drunk on our intimacy and lack of time together, and weary of our ever-growing list of responsibilities. All of that heartache accumulated and poured over us on that one night.  _

_ You were the first to break the spell over us. We both needed rest, but to me, it felt like the walls were rebuilding themselves again.  _

_ So I urged myself forward and told you it’d be best for you to stay here for the night.  _

_ Reluctance crossed your face. You hesitated and I remember hearing all of the wordless thoughts that ran through your mind.  _

_ I knew you would eventually accept and you did, cautiously, carefully scooting away from the space I’d delicately closed.  _

_ I’d felt the walls come up again, but I pushed my heart forward to stop them. You’d held the reins for us long enough. It was my turn to steer us in the right direction. I was afraid, but less so when we were together.  _

_ “You’re not sleeping on the floor if that’s what you were thinking.” _

_ You fought against it. I even threatened to sleep on the floor with you. You were the only one fighting against it at this point, my bear. I knew you had every reason to. This journey wasn’t going to be easy. I would fight for you until my very last breath. You must know though, I was not as patient as you were, and I remember vividly the flurry of jabs we exchanged. _

_ “Someone could walk in.” _

_ “I will not let them.” _

_ “People will talk. Your rep-” _

_ “Let them. People talk regardless.” _

_ “We’d only just claimed the Seven Kingdoms not long ago, we risk-” _

_ “That has nothing to do with us. Do not-” _

_ “It wouldn’t be appropriate.” _

_ “Having the most important person to me sleep on the floor isn’t appropriate-” _

_ “Daenerys-” _

_ “Jorah! We’re exactly that behind closed doors, aren’t we! Just us!” _

_ I was the one to slip first. It caught you by surprise. Your parted lips, the way your eyes scanned my face. I caught myself by surprise as well. A familiar echo of a moment we’d shared long ago in Qarth. Your heart bled into your role as my advisor. I was too naive then.  _

_ I knew you heard it, felt it too, another broken piece of us had tentatively sewed itself back together as the walls receded. _

_ I told you. It was just us. I wanted it to be just us. Daenerys and Jorah, who comforted each other, strengthened each other when we were weak, loved each other between the silences and fleeting touches. No titles, no crowns, no formalities, no rules. Even if it was just for that night... _

_ I watched the bob of your throat as you swallowed thickly and nodded. I took your hand once more and guided you to the bed. You stripped down to your white cotton shirt and black breeches. I did the same, still modest when we laid next to each other.  _

_ The sheets and furs felt softer underneath my body that particular night. The pleasant weight of your body pressed against the mattress comforted me. _

_ We both must have thought the same. It was too warm for the covers. I turned to lay on my side to face you. _

_ It was then I realized there was another hurdle in the way.  _

_ You were stiff as the stone floor. The divide between us unraveled itself again. Your eyes were closed, but your brows were crinkled by stress and nerves. I knew damn well you weren’t asleep. _

_ I sighed heavily. I told you my patience was small compared to yours.  _

_ Wordlessly, I crossed the barrier you’d erected between us and scooted closer so that I could smell your scent again. My hand reached for your face so that you could look at me. I remember the pleasant tingle of your prickly beard and the strength of your jaw against my fingertips.  _

_ I loved it. I wanted to feel more of it, but I needed to portion these feelings. Feed a starved man a meal too many and he may still die.  _

_ When you opened your eyes, I saw a blue sea filled with doubt, trepidation, what could be, what shouldn’t be, hope, false hope. Its beautiful depths threatened to drag me under, urged me to relinquish the hold I had on the rest of my feelings for you. You yearned just as much as I did from the way your eyes searched my face.  _

_ “Jorah,” I’d whispered to you. I relished the feel of your bearded cheek against my hand as you breathed deeply, and turned into my grasp.  _

_ “They would be proud of you. You’re a good man.” _

_ You probably still had many demons to fight, but I knew that was what you needed to hear. It was what you wanted to hear, wasn’t it? It was written in the way you drew closer until our chests barely touched, in the way your eyes closed as you sunk deeper into the pillow. You didn’t respond. You didn’t need to. Your words were intertwined in this quiet space we shared, and only I heard them. _

_ Your hand reached for mine, warm and rough, and guided them to the space between our pillows. You placed a soft kiss on the back of my hand which spread a particular warmth across my heart. _

_ With your eyes still closed, you softly whispered to me, “Sea otters hold hands when they sleep so that they won’t lose each other among the waves.” _

_ I didn’t know why, but I cherished that piece of knowledge the most that night as it had peacefully ferried me to a peaceful slumber. Even if demons threatened to poison my dreams and take me away from you, we wouldn’t let them.  _

_ I’d never let go of you. I’d never let you drift away from me again. _

_ I’m afraid I don’t remember much after that. I could vaguely recall the press of your body against mine and your strong arms wrapped around my waist. But I'm sure it was but a dream born from my overwhelming feelings for you, even if it’d felt so real. _

_ Regardless, it was the best sleep I'd had in a long while. _

_ You were gone the next morning. I expected it, but I still felt disheartened. The sore was instantly soothed when I noticed a note you'd left by my bedside, which I've fondly clipped to this entry. I am guilty of tracing my fingers over your delicate penmanship, wistfully picturing the lengths you must have went to ensure you did not disturb me as you wrote this. _

> Daenerys
> 
> I feel much lighter today as there is less weighing on my heart. I'd long forgotten what comfort felt like until yesterday evening. Your companionship means the world to me and I cannot thank you enough. Forgive me for leaving without a proper farewell. I know we should be familiar with that by now, but I did not have the courage to disturb your rest. Should you ever wish to speak again, I will come at your leisure. I will always be there for you, with or without a renovated room.
> 
> Jorah

_ Olenna never let me hear the end of it after she found out we didn't… _

_ Well, I’m sure she must have given you an earful as well. _

**「 twenty. 」**

_ The month had gone by much faster since then. _

_ I'd invited you to my quarters often enough until we fell into a nightly pattern. We’d share meals, babble by the fire over the different books you’d bring, debunked myths and legends underneath the stars. We’d even play a silly game where we’d discreetly assess the outfits of any poor soul who passed underneath the balcony. _

_ Our constant companionship chipped away at the mold you’d protected yourself with. You smiled more and grew brazen enough to sass me, even taunted me at times with my amateur sword skills during our training session. It felt as though I was truly seeing you as just...you.  _

_ Well-read, gentle, cultured, open-minded, witty, a charming (and sometimes terrible) blend of confidence and cockiness. I flirted with you and you flirted back effortlessly, but you were still conditioned to only react and never initiated. Your words never failed to send a warm tingle through my body, especially when it was accompanied by that cheeky little smirk that played at your lips. _

_ I wanted to smother that mischievous confidence of yours with my lips and body. _

_ So I did just that the following night. _

_ It was particularly hot that evening. The first signs of summer. I’d caught sight of your familiar silhouette by the beachside and instantly felt the weight of the day lift from my shoulders. I discarded my shoes and held them by the straps as I descended the staircase into the sands. The grains were cool to the touch and I welcomed the breeze against my sweat-slicked skin. I had a bit of a spring in my step as I drew closer to you. _

_ I was eager to see you and show you how much I’ve improved since we began my training.  _

_ I didn’t realize how badly I’d understated myself.  _

_ My feet had planted themselves where the water barely reached my toes. I hardly registered the waves that violently crashed against the cliffs beneath the Red Keep, nor the howling winds as it bit my cheeks. My shoes slipped between my fingers, weakened by the heat within my core that sparked into a raging blaze. I felt it spread like wildfire throughout my body and pool between my legs.  _

_ I should have looked away, but I didn’t want to. If I had the ability, I would have purposefully forgotten this moment just so that I could experience it for the first time again.  _

_ And again. _

_ And again.  _

_ It was dark, but the moon shined a brilliant light across your fit figure and accentuated the deep lines of the muscles across your back. I watched it contort as your hands glided across your face, hair, your strong shoulders and arms. _

_ You must have heard the little thump my shoes made when I’d dropped them because you’d twisted your head in my direction not a moment later. I gasped, not out of fear, but from the sheer beauty that was you.  _

_ Faint traces of that night we’d spent at the godswoods overwhelmed my senses. Your handsome smiling face underneath the moonlit night… _

_ No.  _

_ Tonight was different. Much too different. _

_ It was you who moved first. I remember how reluctant you were with your Greyscale scars. The contrast of the masculinity you presented to me that night spurred me, made me love you even more. My desire for you grew stronger. _

_ You turned until I had a full view of your broad chest, the shoulders that I’d leaned on, the arms that protected and fought for me, the warrior strength that sculpted your core, the soaked fur at your chest. I could make out the droplets of water that traced the contours of your muscles and dipped deeper until they disappeared beneath the water that skimmed your waist. _

_ My lips parted, but the rapid beat of my heart had all but deafened my rational thoughts. I watched your jaw set, swallowed at the deep rise and fall of your chest, licked my lips at the hardened biceps formed by your clenched fists.  _

_ I burned for you, yet my steps were deliberately slow. I became a puppet to the strings that masterminded this sensual ritual between you and I. The freezing touch of the water wasn’t enough to thaw the desire that burnt my flesh. I felt it reach my shins, my knees, and then my stomach.  _

_ I knew you were much taller than me, but tonight as I stood before your bare self, you seemed much larger, like a mystical beast who’d emerged from its mold after so many dormant years. Your musty scent, combined with the salt of the ocean intoxicated my senses. My whole body was under the mercy of the spell casted upon us. I reached for your stomach, appreciated the dip it took from your sharp breath as my fingers traced the curves of your strength. The path it created circled around your saturated chest where I lovingly planted my lips on your scars, felt your breath across my neck as you leaned in closer.  _

_ My touch detoured to your shoulders, to your arms, then back to your collar bones. I felt your hands tremble as you reached for my hips, your grasp strong and needy. You wanted me, but you were patient still. You waited for me to finish the little scavenger hunt I crafted for myself across the planes of your body. _

_ I wanted to appreciate you and you let me. I wanted to feel what I should have felt long ago. _

_ I eventually stopped at your neck and pulled you closer so that our cores touched. I felt you hard against me and I wondered if you could tell how slick I was. My fingers teased the little wet curls at your nape. Our gazes met, our breaths mingled, the fire between us could vaporize the water between our bodies, and the hunger in your eyes made me realize how dangerous a cornered prey could be.  _

_ But it was I who took the first bite.  _

_ I shoved my lips against yours, devoured you as though I hadn’t been satiated since the beginning of my conquest. They were slightly chapped, salted by the ocean, yet still pleasant and sensational against mine. I remember the strong arms that lifted me out of the water. I looped my legs around your waist as you guided us to the sands.  _

_ We were messy, sensual, hungry with every kiss we took. No man loved me and touched me as well as you did. I had many who worshipped me, but none like you. I had nothing to compare you to and the uncharted territory that was your body spurred me to discover more. You were a sensual paradise that only I had the honor of exploring.  _

_ My hunger blended dangerously with lust as I wanted to show you what we could have had if I’d kissed you earlier in my journey. Gods, you kissed me as though I was made to be kissed and well. Even as you laid me on my back against the sand, I was eager to reclaim my position on top of you because I wanted more.  _

_ But you didn’t make it easy.  _

_ You were as much of a fighter as I was. We were both stubborn, both ferocious in our own way. An unstoppable force. An immovable object. _

_ But you were stronger than I, and you made sure I knew that as you easily swatted my attempts. There was wetness between my legs, and only then did I realize my dress was still in the way. The frustration, the primal hunger, the ferocity reflected in the eyes I loved so much… _

_ I wanted you to tear it off me. I dared you. I wanted to know how much you desired me. _

_ It was an almost visceral image. I was never anyone’s prey, for no man could ever become a dragon’s predator. _

_ But in that instant, with my arms pinned above my head and back against the lukewarm sand, with my entire body caged between your thighs and primal look sprawled across your face...I was more than willing to explore the thrill of being yours.  _

**「 twenty-one. 」**

_ I meant to add more to my previous entry, but I’m afraid my detailing of it would have never ended. I’m still unable to think about the night we’d shared without sending my hormones into a frenzy.  _

_ The way your lips devoured the flesh at my neck, the rhythmic thrusts that paved the way to a transcendental climax and spread a wave of divine euphoria throughout my slick body as I felt you softened inside me… _

_ I actually need to refrain from going any further if I am to do my due diligence with this journal. _

_ Anyways, we’d fallen into a familiar pattern for many nights afterward. We flirted, teased each other, made love, shared stories behind our scars, cuddled in silence as I habitually traced your faded greyscale scars beneath the hairs of your chest. You’d rise early in the morning before the others could, and softly kiss me farewell. I treasured the little notes you left for me each time, as simple as they were.  _

_ Where normal girls would value gems and precious stones, I placed your tiny notes to me above them all.  _

> I love you, Daenerys. I’ll see you tonight.
> 
> Yours,
> 
> Jorah

_ I cannot help but smile fondly reading these. I’ve read them many times already, but I’m unable to resist the giddiness that flutters across my heart. _

> You were absolutely ravenous yesterday night. I’ll have to return the favor. 
> 
> \- J
> 
> I have much more to share with you tonight. Promise.
> 
> \- J
> 
> I have a humble surprise for you later. Don’t ask Olenna, that would be cheating.
> 
> -
> 
> My happiest moments are always with you. 
> 
> -
> 
> I adore the way your little nose twitches in your dreams, my love
> 
> -

_ So many pieces of you I wanted to keep and treasure forever. I only wished I had a better way of organizing them. _

_ You made me laugh and smile. You made me happy. You made me feel like a girl experiencing her first love, undisturbed by the politics of this world. I felt special under your loving gaze. Your warm words and undeniable belief in me never failed to vanquish the doubts that lingered after a day’s work.  _

_ I am absolutely smitten with you and I love it. _

_ I laid awake one night after we’d shared another passionate moment together. I’d always adored your soft little snore, but that particular night illuminated things I’d never noticed. Perhaps it was because I was so used to the hardened edges along your face, worn by battle and duty. There, under the soft flickering glow of the fire at the hearth, those lines disappeared. You looked...younger, boyish even with your grey-blonde hair tousled about by my fingers. _

_ Gods, I adored you. Sleep threatened my vision, but I had fought vehemently against it because I’d wanted to make sure that image of you was burned into my dreams.  _

_ But these nightly meetings, the confidentiality we had to maintain, the lectures we received from Tyrion, the fodder we’d become that further fed the rumors between us among the people… _

_ I knew the thrill behind all of this secrecy would wear off eventually.  _

**「 twenty-two. 」**

_ Missandei and Grey Worm departed for Naath earlier today. I’d thought about convincing them to stay, but perished the idea rather quickly. It would’ve been a fruitless attempt and incredibly selfish of me. A promise was a promise. They’d chosen me and I’d promised them that they could leave anytime they wished with no repercussions. Besides, King’s Landing was no home for them.  _

_ I did, however, manage to squeeze in one cheeky request and that was for them to write to me as soon as they settled. _

_ They are my dearest friends and I miss them already. I’m sure you miss Grey Worm’s silent companionship. Tyrion was a bit more tolerable for you with him around. _

_ I’d spoken with Grey Worm near the training grounds the day before his departure. He was never one for many words, but I liked that about him. Strong, quiet, steadfast, spoke only when necessary… He fondly reminds me of someone else, though I’m sure you know who that is by now.  _

_ The sun was at its peak by the afternoon when I visited him. It was one of those rare windows of opportunity I had to myself until my next council meeting. We rarely ever spoke to each other, but the times that we did, Grey Worm had already grown familiar with our occasional and strange pattern.  _

_ I only ever came to him alone when I sought wisdom only he possessed.  _

_ As he always did, Grey Worm wordlessly acknowledged me with a nod. There was nothing I had to say for him to know. We settled on a bench by the barrel of wooden weapons. He always waited for me to speak first and never pried. He has learned patience from you.  _

_ I asked him directly. When he and Missandei were apart, did he miss her? Without any hesitation, he answered with a very direct and straightforward “Yes. Even now, I miss her. I want to see her. Just like how you miss Jorah the Andal and want to see him now.” _

_ I’d told him nothing about you and me, but I found no need to. He knew. The friendship we all shared was based on words only we could hear. Just the four of us.  _

_ Grey Worm has changed so much since I’ve met him. He was always confident with his spear and shield but wavered when it came to matters of the heart. I had no doubt Missandei had a large role in liberating the man within him after having been suppressed by the masters for so long.  _

_ Now, he wears his heart on his sleeve around those he trusts, confident and sure of the man he’s become and how he feels. He is attuned to his enemies on the battlefield as well as he is with the emotions that surrounded the people he cared about.  _

_ I asked Grey Worm what he did to relieve the heartache of missing our loved ones. He said there was no true cure, and that he would always miss her when they were apart. He could only sharpen his blades and spar with the other soldiers for so long until his mind made its way back to her.  _

_ It was a temporary yet effective balm for the heart, but he would always mull over things he wished to know more of. Culture, languages, history… there was always more to discover and gave him even more to look forward to at night when he’d see her again. He admitted he wasn’t particularly drawn to those types of things and only inquired about them because he enjoyed Missandei’s voice. Her soft and sweet voice always made it easier for him to fall asleep, to perish the nightmares threatening the corners of his dreams.  _

_ He was right. The people we adore, the people who were most precious to us were like never-ending treasure maps that only we possessed.  _

_ I made sure to find things that made the days a bit shorter, and gathered them so that the elation I would feel when we met would be even greater. It wasn’t difficult for me at all. Perhaps I’d simply needed a nudge from the right person.  _

_ Grey Worm and I were both guilty of that. I loved listening to you as well, the way you illustrated the places you’ve visited, the cultures you’ve learned, the people you’ve met with that deep husky voice of yours.  _

**「 twenty-three. 」**

_ I never cared much for the frivolous tourneys hosted by the old rulers of King’s Landing. I deplored violence, even more so after witnessing the epitome of it in Essos.  _

_ But under Olenna and Tyrion’s (albeit reluctantly) persistence, I eventually agreed.  _

_ Only because of the purpose it stood for.  _

_ It’d been months since we’d begun sharing our nights together. The frustration that festered within me, born from the secrecy we maintained, had finally bled into my moods. The whispers didn’t bother me as much as it did with Tyrion. Yes, people will always talk no matter what.  _

_ Eventually, he’d said. Eventually, they will find a way to “appropriately” reveal our relationship to the world. They simply weren’t ready yet.  _

_ Eventually, eventually, eventually.  _

_ He’d said it over and over and over again for almost half a year now. It will soon be close to a year since we’ve taken King’s Landing. If they are not ready now, then when! I grew impatient and flustered, but you were the opposite, the balance I needed. It was something that frustrated me about you, but I also loved you so much for it. I know you think of yourself as the least worthy man for me. I could see it in your eyes. The whispers who shunned and demeaned you were always louder to you than the few who spoke in your favor.  
_

_ To hell with that.  _

_ You are the only one for me. I’ll prove it to you as many times as I have to.  _

_ Olenna simply scoffed at me when I confided in her. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly offended, but I was most likely too busy seething in my emotions to feel any sort of rationality. Despite her nature, I always remembered her words the best. She was brutal and unwavering in her delivery, but she was there to remind me of what I’d strived for since I began this journey. Like tending to a horse’s neglected hooves and changing its shoes so that it may lead its herd, tall and strong as it was in the beginning. _

_ “I’m not sure why the two of you were so hush-hush about it in the first place. Practically the whole kingdom knows at this point. You are a dragon, but as of late, you and your mopey lover have been scurrying around the halls like lost baby lizards. The rulers before you died because they lost at their own game of charades. You are not like them. If you wish to show the world who he is and where you stand, then be a bloody dragon and show them.” _

_ When I asked her why she never intervened, she’d simply said: “Children learn better when you let them trip over their own feet. You’ll appreciate that more when you have babes of your own, my dear.” _

_ And so she suggested a tourney where the best from different parts of Westeros gathered to participate. Olenna reminded me to keep this plan from you, as she knew you’d be stubborn enough to argue against the idea. I was to only inform you of the tournament and that you would be a participant. _

_ The view I had at the top vaguely reminded me of the gladiator pit in Mereen. I despised it, but it was tolerable to what I’d seen in the past. I had combatants use wooden weapons in lieu of real ones. There would be no unnecessary bloodshed under my rule.  _

_ We had a brief window to ourselves within the privacy of the barracks that led into the colosseum. I tied my little blue scarf around your neck as my favor and kissed you well for good faith. I believed in you and your skills. You were the strongest fighter I knew, but I still worried for you. It was a natural ache that came with loving you. _

_ I did not enjoy seeing you hurt. Each time an opponent struck you, I felt my heart drop. But it soared whenever you skillfully parried and countered their strikes, climbed back to your feet when you fell. You presented years of experience in combat and war, and the crowd was enamored with you.  _

_ Admittedly, seeing you thrive in combat proud and strong like that triggered my primal hunger for you, and it took all of my will to temper the arousal that pulsed between my legs. _

_ You were victorious as I expected. A little bruised and sore, but you’d won. I was pleased, so very pleased. My heart fluttered as Tyrion announced you as the triumphant warrior to a standing ovation. I stood from my seat and descended the stairs so that you would crown me as your queen of love and beauty. _

_ Or at least that’s what past rulers would have done.  _

_ My heart raced as I stepped closer.  _

_ I will remember this day until my last breath. _

_ I stepped on my tiptoes and used your chest armor as leverage to pull you towards me. I smothered my lips against yours which silenced the crowd almost instantly with audible gasps filling the beats between. It had thrown everyone off guard including you (besides a few from my small counsel). Your groan was muffled and confused, and I could tell you still had your eyes open. I felt the thump of your sword as it slipped from your grasp and fell by my feet. _

_ You wanted to push me away. You had so many questions. I felt it through your armor, tasted it on your chapped lips. You probably were upset with me too.  _

_ Regardless, the crowd erupted into a flurry of mixed reactions after what felt like an eternity. I pulled back from you to jeers from the audience, some in support, some vied for the same attention, some in opposition, and some with skepticism.  _

_ But their voices softened to mere hushes as Drogon and Rhaegal’s large shadows appeared and circled above the colosseum. They were attuned to their mother and could sense danger and malice better than any.  _

_ I granted myself a brief moment and brought my gaze to their large farms in the sky. I smiled a bit as my children danced in celebratory patterns in the wake of your victory. When I looked back, you were still muddled. You probably had many thoughts that ran through your head. I could tell how much you wanted to burst and shout at how opposed you were to this. _

_ You did just that not long after. We argued, but it was never about you or us. You were afraid for me. You were protective of me. I hated and loved that about you. We even spent time apart. You did not meet me in my quarters that night and that hurt me. Naturally, it would be Olenna who quite literally dragged you by the ear and shoved you into my room the next night. I still remember the ring of the wooden door as she slammed it shut with a bit more aggression than necessary. _

_ We spoke to each other in a way we knew best. We closed the space between us, held each other, kissed each other. You placed your forehead against mine. You loved me more than you loved yourself, which was why would always place me above everything else. _

_ I was afraid too. It would not get any easier. If anything, it would be even harder from then on out. _

_ But no one could survive in this world without help, my sweet bear. I am not alone. I have you. We have each other. When we were together, I believed anything was possible. We should have been better at this by now, recognize how much stronger we were together and how little it accomplished when we were apart.  _

_ When I stood in that ring after I’d passionately kissed you, I believed it. I believed in the world I could build, what past rulers could not. At that moment, I’d heard a wooden spoke on the wheel break apart and watched it burn under the flames we’d created.  _

**「 twenty-four. 」**

_ We ushered in the new year just days ago. The kingdom still brimmed with celebration, but I settled for a simple and quiet walk with you in the garden.  _

_ I do not write here as much as I used to. Missandei had given this to me so that I could shelter certain feelings that were unbefitting of a queen, to detail memories I held close to my heart.  _

_ There hasn’t been a need for me to do so as of late. _

_ I have you now.  _

_ I no longer fear my feelings as much as I did before. Whenever my doubts threatened the corners of my heart, you were there to vanquish them all. You’d comfort me in ways no other could. I loved the way you would silently loop your arms around my small waist when I mulled by the balcony. I loved the way you whispered sweetly in my ear whenever I had nightmares about my past. I loved the way you read to me whenever sleep eluded me.  _

_ We’ve gotten much more familiar with sharing our feelings together, expressing them through words and fleeting touches, a language only we could understand. We still fought from time to time, as we were both stubborn and loved each other dearly. _

_ But even so, despite the ups and downs of our journey so far, I am happy.  _

_ There are still so many pages left in this journal. Perhaps one day, we can share the rest and begin the last chapter together. _

_. _

_. _

_. _

_. _

* * *

Her small figure was nestled comfortably between his legs on the bed.

Jorah breathed deeply after he finished the final passage. He gently set it aside as he leaned back against the wooden bed frame and looped his arms around her waist to draw her closer. 

“Well?” Daenerys asked as she leaned back further into his broad chest.

What was there left to say? Her accounts left him speechless, breathless even from the sincerity of her feelings. Jorah didn’t know how to answer her at first, and simply dipped his head further into her neck, and inhaled her sweet flowery scent as he closed his eyes. 

To be with her now, having been chosen by her, was already a blessing itself. To know she’d spent so long in so much emotional turmoil because of him made his heartache. 

_ She loves me now. She loved me even before everything,  _ he lamented. Tears brimmed behind his eyelids. 

_ Gods, she absolutely loves me. _

She always has, but gods it felt like the first time again but even more profound. 

He felt every ache in every word, felt his heart soar in cadence with her revelation at Winterfell, blushed at the way she detailed her admiration of him and how handsome she found him. 

_ She loves me.  _

He doesn’t remember what reciprocation felt like. It was a stranger to him, yet it was still familiar. 

_ She loves me,  _ he repeated as though it were a prayer. 

It petrified him because he could have caused her even more grief had he not survived greyscale or the war against the dead. It was vaguely selfish of him to think that she would still be happy if he wasn’t there for her.

But it also thrilled him at the same time. She loves him. She has always loved him even when she didn’t know, and the very thought sent euphoric pulses throughout his body. 

She has broken his heart, but she has become the miracle that pieced him back together. He could never blame her. He would forgive her if she asked, even if there was nothing to forgive. 

It felt so different now, yet familiar. She has told him she loves him in many different ways already. 

But the words tucked away in that leather journal rekindled something within him, the last bit of rope he could hold onto in order to take the final steps and pull himself out of the quicksand. 

He has never felt so sure about something until now. His grip on her tightened. He turned into her soft hair, still damp from the bath they’d shared moments ago, and pressed gentle kisses there. His touches elicited a pleasant hum from her lips. She carded her hands through his hair and habitually toyed with the curls at his nape. 

Jorah smiled against her cheek. He knew very well how much she loved his curls, especially after reading through her journal entries.

“I’ll take you there,” he whispered.

Daenerys was quiet for a bit, and then replied with a soft, “home? Bear Island?”

“Home,” he repeated. 

She hummed against his scratchy beard. “Right now? We could if we wanted to.”

He chuckled at that. “We could, but we shouldn’t. Besides, I need a few weeks to prepare.”

“Fine. But we’re taking the dragons. Just you and I.”

“Aye. Just you and I. But if we’re to do that, I must inform my cousins first or I’ll never hear the end of them when we arrive.” 

She said no more and simply captured his lips with a soft and gentle kiss.

He’d found the final piece of the puzzle tonight, a piece he never knew he needed until now. Perhaps he was just afraid of the completed image as it was too good to ever be true. 

But he is no longer afraid. With Daenerys in his arms and the little journal tucked beneath the pillows, he is more sure than he has ever been before.

He’ll take her to Bear Island as he promised and show her the future he’d longed for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


End file.
